AuthorsBy Dr. Kim Logan-Nowlin & Arthur E. Nowlin, LMSW, CAADC Archives
August 2020
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 Although they see and counsel family, individuals and couples, when Dr. Kim Logan-Nowlin came across the compelling testimony posted by Monica Ware on Facebook, she was moved to tears. In that posting, Ware detailed the way God led her husband to come home and reclaim their family. We excerpt a large part of her story here. Click here to read the whole story. Dr. Logan-Nowlin’s questions for Monica Ware follow the story.
Monica and Nate Ware’s story: My husband was serving in the United States Army in Germany, while I was living in Florida with my mother. My stay in Florida was a direct result of a failed attempt to save my marriage while we lived in Germany, but it didn’t work, so I gladly welcomed our separation and pending divorce. We both decided to move on with our lives. I worked a third shift cashier job, while my mother baby sat my boys at night. I knew it was going to be hard, but my children and my relationship with God were my main focus. My husband resisted God because he wanted to live his life without me, but he knew that God told him years ago that, “Everything you need in a wife is in Monica!” Nate still resisted God because he wasn’t sure if he wanted to get back together with me, so he said this to God: “When I go to church tomorrow, I want someone to personally tell me what you told me; to go get my family.” Nate arrived at church that Sunday morning for Sunday school and the teacher told him, “God is going to bless you!” Nate told God, “No, that’s not it!” That wasn’t the exact words he was looking for. So he went to the church service and during the service he went up for prayer. While he was in line for prayer, Bishop John A. Neal stood up from the pulpit, walked over to Nate and told him he always had his wife with him at every duty station and the Bishop’s exact words to my husband were, “You need to go get your family!” That was the exact confirmation my husband needed to get his family back. The next day, Nate called me and asked if we could give our marriage another chance. … When we arrived at church [in Germany several weeks later] and walked through the doors, Bishop Neal stopped the service during praise and worship. He stood up in front of the church, pointed to my husband and said, “That man went and got his family!” The church began to praise God with dancing and shouting. People were dancing in the aisles praising God! Then Bishop Neal called our family up to the front of the church and did something I never saw coming. He asked every man that has a family to stand up. Once they stood up, he asked each man to take out their checkbooks and write us a check! In an instant, we went from not knowing where we were going to stay, with very little money, to having our needs met. Men were putting money in our hands, some throwing money at our feet, even women; some single mothers were giving us money. I was in tears! God met our needs financially that day. What are you doing now? Ware: Today, my husband and I are happily marriage with three amazing sons. We’re working on new books and products to share our story, with keys to having a successful marriage after infidelity. We also have invitations to speak at marriage conferences and other events as a result of our story. What prompted you to post the story? Ware: I posted the story in 2013, in celebration of our 25th wedding anniversary. I never told the story publicly, so I wanted to share for the first time, in hopes that it will encourage someone else to fight for their marriage. You said your story went viral–how many hits/likes/share/comments did you have? Ware: To date, the post has 15,069 shares and counting. People are still sharing on a daily basis. It was posted to my personal page, but somehow circulated to other pages I can’t reach because I’m not friends with most of them on Facebook, but I can see their comments. I received hundreds of messages from people all over the world sharing how our story touched their lives. Why do you think your story pulled the heartstrings of so many? Ware: I believe it touched so many lives because people are going through the same situation now. I’ve received so many messages from all over the world, from Africa, Dubai, to the Islands, men and women are hurting in their marriages. Our story brought life to some, comfort to others and faith to trust God even more in their situation. What is your advice for others? Ware: Trust God completely. God responds to His Word and He responds to faith. They both go hand-in-hand concerning your marriage. Stand on God’s word concerning your marriage and use your faith to believe your prayers will manifest. Your faith may not be in your spouse, but your faith in God will help you develop a more loving, forgiving and trusting marriage. Do you have certain insights into the causes of discord that you didn’t have then? Ware: No, I knew back then what the causes of our discord were. The infidelity created distrust [and] that seemed irreparable. What was the key, the aha moment in your counseling sessions? Ware: My aha moment was from a book a friend suggested I read by Bunny Wilson. I recall the author saying if I didn’t trust my spouse’s judgement to put my complete trust in God. Even if I didn’t trust in my husband, or if he made a bad decision, I could believe God to help us through those choices. That helped me because I wasn’t sure if I made the right choice going back to my husband, but I put my hope and trust in God to help me through my choice to reconcile. I had to learn how to trust my husband again, but my trust in God always remained.
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 This article was written by Dr. Kim and Arthur Nowlin for Message Magazine : Drama Files
A secret is something that is kept or meant to be kept unknown or unseen by others. Margret Atwood the author of The Blind Assassin stated “the best way of keeping a secret is to pretend there isn’t one.” In our therapy sessions with couples we often hear a sense of distrust and recognize chronic poor communication between the two. Bruce and Mary encountered problems during their marriage that created the inability to feel comfortable sharing feelings and being open. The couple had been married for 17 years and have three children ages 9, 12, and 14. Bruce was an administrator for an area high school and Mary was a respected supervisor for an insurance company. Bruce was concerned about past problems that had threatened the marriage but because of his commitment to family, he stayed. However, he attributed his high blood pressure and other health issues to secrets within the marriage. Bruce said that his wife had no remorse for having an affair earlier in their marriage and he suspected she was involved with someone currently. After seeing a text message from Mary’s cell phone, his suspicion was verified. The couple decided to search for marriage counseling. During our initial session Mary insisted that she only talked to the men and had not violated their marriage vows. Our session was intense with accusations of lying and infidelity flying. “I want to keep my family together” insisted Bruce, “but I want my wife to be honest and willing to change.” Adding fuel to the fire, during the reconciliation process, Mary left the home for one day. She returned during the evening, but Bruce did not know she went to a hotel and paid for the room with a credit card until the bill came, three weeks later. Mary said she needed some time because she was stressed and she went to a hotel to rest for a few hours alone. Bruce did not believe she was in the hotel alone. Bruce wanted healing but Mary could not change the behavior of keeping secrets within the marriage. George Orwell the political writer stated “If you wanted to keep a secret you must hide it from yourself”. Mary was certainly hiding from even herself. Even during her efforts to be honest and open she could not share her secrets. She was living a double life. She wanted to be married but she also wanted other relationships. Eventually Mary’s secret life was exposed. She had an ongoing relationship with her son’s football coach, who also was a friend to Bruce. Once again, the evidence was found on Mary’s cell phone where she had recorded nude pictures and text messages that were explicit and devastating to her husband and children. Bruce asked Mary to leave the home and he contacted the wives of the coach and another man who also had a relationship with Mary. The secrets destroyed Mary’s family as well as the families of the other men who had shared a secret with Mary. Bruce has started proceedings for divorce. We must realize that secrets are like a vine growing around a post. The vine grows to the top and then it winds down again, back to its beginning. |
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