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Article from the Drama Files: Problems of Perception

11/28/2016

 
 - C​This article was written by Dr. Kim and Arthur Nowlin for Message Magazine : Drama Files​

Editor’s Note: Arthur Nowlin, half of the dynamic Drama Files Team passed away October 30, 2016. His dedicated work, honest wit, and spiritual leadership to this and other ministries will be sorely missed. Our prayers continue with Dr. Kim Logan-Nowlin and their family.

                                                       - Carmela Monk Crawford, Editor of Message Magazine

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Ru​ssell and Rachael began counseling with Arthur and me three months ago. Russell had a problem with Rachael being so friendly with her co-workers.

Rachel tried to reassure her husband that it was nothing, but he was still very uncomfortable with her behavior. The couple had been married four years.

Russell made the initial call to help clarify his wife’s nonchalant attitude towards the matter. It was driving a wedge between them and he did not want it to continue he said several times. Rachael thought he was over-reacting and that counseling was a waste of time and money. Russell still wanted her to attend, so she did.

How Things Look

After listening to the concerns of Russell and Rachael we shared a perspective with them on the understanding of perception. Rachael never thought about how things were being perceived by her co-workers and began to realize that what she was doing gave them the wrong idea.

Perception is a way of regarding, understanding, or interpreting something; a mental impression. One of the major problems in communicating is the differences in perception. What is my perception verses your perception of the communication, whether verbal or nonverbal? It is important that individuals in a couple examine their perceptions, feelings and concerns to come to an accurate understanding of what is happening in their relationship.

Message Identifying

Our approach, or “Nowlin Concept,” is called Message Identifying.  It is learning to recognize and understand the sender’s message to formulate and then convey a correct response.

Here’s what remind our clients:
  • Approach a conversation with your partner in a sensitive manner and demonstrate genuine concern.
  • Communicate to your partner with an open mind.
  • Listen to your partner without being judgmental.
  • Determine reality with your partner, because your communication reality may not be your partner’s communication reality.
This approach has helped Rachael see how her flirting was causing Russell to be uncomfortable and that someone’s perception could interpret her action in a negative and harmful manner.

Did He Set The Stage?

Russell had to also learn that listening was not all about him, but that he needed to listen to his wife’s needs and desires. Rachael selfishly flirted and sought the attention of other men. The question became why? Why was she looking for love in all the wrong places?

Rachael admitted that she felt that Russell no longer desired her. He would not compliment her or encourage her. He had stopped inquiring about her day at the office or her interests. They had fallen into the trap of being a “routine couple,” going about the day-to-day business while neglecting their marriage. Therefore, she began seeking outside attention from other men and she began liking how it made her feel.

“I felt revived and like a beautiful woman,” Rachel said. Russell apologized for making her feel so unloved and unwanted. She told him “your perception of me was cleaning our home, cooking, attending to you and nothing more. My perception was to be a partner of equal importance and appreciation and also have our needs met and satisfied by one another but again your perception was not mine. It became clear that I needed more in my life that my husband could not provide.”

Rachael also mentioned in therapy that “What is very interesting is that you noticed I lost interest in you and that frightened you.”

Reconstructing Perception

Russell and Rachel must continue to build on the right perceptions of one another, to appreciate one another’s interest and enjoy one another.

The couple continues to receive counseling and both parties are working hard in their commitment to one another. Rachael is no longer flirting or dressing to attract other men. She has learned to carry herself as a respectful woman and always give the right perception to others. Russell continues to support, compliment and date his wife on a regular basis.

Once a week he brings flowers home, washes, cleans the house and cooks dinner. His perception of a wife has changed from housekeeper or maid to helpmeet. He has recommitted to loving his wife with all appreciation, kindness, and respect. They both have a positive perception of their marriage and they are both pleased that they attended Christian counseling.

The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

18 Comments
read more
Pamela
11/29/2016 03:52:01 pm

Outstanding article
The Nowlin's have been used by God to change people lives. Mr. Nowlin will be greatly missed.

Reply
Theresa Kirklsnd
11/29/2016 04:21:23 pm

The Nowlins were our celebrities of the Adventist church. Dr Kim please continue
to be used by God.

Reply
Frank West
11/29/2016 09:09:15 pm

Outstanding couple
Truly a blessing from God
Love all the article
Praying for the family
Dr Kim dont stop

Kathy
11/29/2016 03:54:11 pm

Amazing article
Mr. Nowlin was a change agent
God bless his family
Please Dr Kim continue writing

Reply
Doris cortland
11/29/2016 09:10:54 pm

Thank God for theNowlins
The articles are exciting and mind provoking
Prayers to you Dr Kim What a great man

Reply
Dr Kim
6/21/2017 09:50:23 am

Thank you so much

Reply
Karl Winston
11/29/2016 03:56:48 pm

There was and never will be anyone like
Mr Nowlin
He changed my life. I pray his wife will continue his legacy
Great article

Reply
Terrance Boldness
11/29/2016 05:13:36 pm

God is so good to have blessed us with the Nowlin's Rest for a while Arthur
Dr Kim the legacy continues in you.

Reply
Charles Watson
11/29/2016 04:00:06 pm

Excellent article Love the Nowlin's
Excellent duo
Always giving their best

Reply
Tara Franklin
11/29/2016 04:24:26 pm

I am so sadden by this loss. He was an outstanding man of God. God bless his wife and children.

Reply
Hue Vassar
11/29/2016 05:14:54 pm

Awesome team and writers
I look forward to all their work and conferences
Prayers and love Dr Kim

Reply
Tina Alston
11/29/2016 04:02:48 pm

I am sadden by this loss to our global community. The Nowlin's are one of a kind couple.
Sincere and so loving. Helping all they came in contact with. Prayers to family

Reply
Dr Kim
11/29/2016 04:17:27 pm

Thank you so much

Reply
G Helen
11/29/2016 05:15:45 pm

Mr Nowlin testimony on Dare 2 Dream saved me
God bless you both

Patrica Williams
11/29/2016 04:19:33 pm

The Nowlin's are just wonderful. We look forward to that great getting up morning.
Love the articles all of them very inspiring

Reply
Annabelle Randall
11/29/2016 04:44:14 pm

This an excellent article. Thank you for sharing it.

Reply
Terri Stinson
12/9/2016 04:48:35 am

I needed this article thank you for all your sacrifices Elder and Dr Kim Nowlin

Reply
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