AuthorsBy Dr. Kim Logan-Nowlin & Arthur E. Nowlin, LMSW, CAADC Archives
August 2020
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This article was written by Dr. Kim and Arthur Nowlin for Message Magazine : Drama Files  While they dated, Shawn and Terri were always in church. That was then. How family counseling put Jesus back into their happy, happy home.
Shawn and Terri Lennon have been married for 15 years. They have two sons ages 12 and ten. They enjoy being married and being productive positive parents. Terri contacted our office to receive family counseling in spirituality enhancement. She thinks that her husband is a great husband, devoted and amazing father, but when it comes to spirituality and being the spiritual leader of the home, he falls short. Shawn thinks that his schedule is too busy for family worship everyday. Everyone can study and pray on their own and attend church when possible, he told us. Terri totally disagrees with her husband and expects him to raise the standard within their home regarding this matter. Shawn stated he was not going to argue with Terri but would attend counseling with her and their sons. Terri holds onto the scripture: “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6). She was reared in a Christian home, while Shawn strayed away from his Christian upbringing when his job became very demanding. While they dated, the couple attended church, and each served as an officer, but lately Shawn would not participate. Terri is disappointed in what she sees as her husband’s resistance to his leadership-calling within the home and church. Shawn sends his tithes and offering with his wife each week, and does not prevent her from taking the children to church. Terri believes, however, that God expects much more. Within the counseling process we suggested that the couple write down five aspects that are important to their family development. They both wrote down: 1. Communication 2. Finances 3. Quality Time 4. Health 5. Spirituality However, Shawn entered Education as his number five. Terri was little disturbed by his answer. We reminded her to be patient during this process and a change will come. We asked their two sons about any concerns regarding their family. During the counseling process it is important, when possible, to let the children be included in the dialogue. Their input is very valuable and it offers support to the entire family. Both boys agreed that their father needs to attend church and become involved in the work of the Lord as he did in the past. Shawn was surprised because he thought they never noticed what he was doing. He feared going back to church because he had been away so long. The boys told him that they were proud of his commitment to God and it gave them a sense of understanding the importance of serving God through his example. Shawn was so thankful for the family sessions that he has decided to no longer to resist God and wanted to be the example God called him to be. He apologized to his family for allowing his work to supersede God’s plan for his family. He committed to changing his schedule, attending church and bible study faithfully. Terri is very elated and she said “it was the best call she could have made.” To God be the glory, for God has not given us a spirit of fear but of love, power, and a sound mind, (2 Timothy 1:7) A wonderful tool to use with your family is a vision board. It outlines your expectations for the family. It’s fun, provides quality time and dialogue among family members. Try including scriptures or words of encouragement by texting daily to each other as part of the vision. It will bring a smile. The Lennon Family continues counseling on a weekly schedule. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
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This article was written by Dr. Kim and Arthur Nowlin for Message Magazine : Drama Files  And other tips for overworked and under-rested parents
Paul and Katlin have been been married for ten years. Katlin reached out to our office because Paul has a very demanding profession. He is a truck driver and is required to be away from home five days a week. Katlin is a stay at home parent. She feels that his schedule is causing conflict and continues to place a great amount of pressure on her. The couple has three small children and Katlin is overwhelmed by the care of their home and children. Another concern is that when Paul is home on the weekend he is asleep and offers no support. Katlin is at a point where she feels she is in a role of being a single parent and she is becoming very angry. She has made several attempts to express her concerns to Paul, but he is too tired to even listen to Katlin. Further, as the major financial contributor of the home, he wonders why there should not be any problems between them anyway. Come To The Table We asked Katlin to write down three concerns that she would be comfortable presenting to Paul during the therapy session. 1. Do you realize Paul that I am the primary caregiver for the home and children? 2. I would like to work on a schedule so when you return home I can have some time for me. 3. Please share with me how we can incorporate quality time for us and as a family? At the onset of therapy Paul was hesitant. Sessions were scheduled on one of the only two days off and he needed to sleep. We were very sensitive to that fact, but if the concerns of the marriage were not met, it could cause more problems. The silence of not addressing the problems within the family structure does not make them disappear it is only on hold and unspoken. Paul was able to relax and listen to Katlin and her concerns during the session. She was very understanding regarding his needs for sleep and wanting to be with his family. But the question of “how” continued to be raised by Paul. Katlin stated “it cannot be business as usual and we need a shift or we won’t make it.” Paul hung his head and didn’t know what to say. We recommended that they utilize the grandparents once a month so that it would give them some quality time together, if possible. Also, Katlin needed to become little more organized with the home structure to help her reduce the stress levels in her life. Compromise Is The Key In marriage you have to be willing to compromise to save your relationship. It is vital that you pay attention to the small details and implement wisdom in family life. The couple has implemented the “Grandparent assistance program” once a month, rotating between the two sets of grandparents. It has proven to be a wonderful plan and the grandparents are enjoying the children. Also, Katlin has taken the time to organize the home and when Paul recognized Katlin’s efforts, he took her out on a date and brought her flowers and perfume. She was speechless and hugged Paul and thanked him. Paul stated he did not realize the responsibilities Katlin had with three small children and he had taken that for granted. They are both pleased with the progress in their counseling process and they want to continue counseling and strive towards being one unit and a support to each other and their children. We are happy to report from Kaitlin that “it is no longer business as usual but a marriage and home filled with forgiveness, prayer, and positive transformation.” The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
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This article was written by Dr. Kim and Arthur Nowlin for Message Magazine : Drama Files   Clinton and Rebecca scheduled an appointment to find some assistance with procrastination within their marriage and household. They have been married seven years and have a daughter Ashley who is five years old.
During the five years since Ashley’s birth the concern surrounding procrastination has become worse. The couple stated they never argued in front of Ashley but it was becoming very frustrating to communicate to one another about their weakness in this area. They became very busy and overwhelmed and began to neglect the duties of the household and being a positive role model for Ashley. They first began noticing Ashley would leave her toys out and not make her bed and when she was finished eating, she would get up from the table, leave her plate, and not wipe her area or push her chair to the table. How did Ashley learn this behavior? It was by watching her parents do the same thing. One evening Rebecca called Clinton into their bedroom. “What do you see?” she asked. “Mess, and this is nothing but procrastination,” Clinton responded. That’s when they both felt compelled to reach out and ask for help. They shared with us during the counseling session that their procrastination has now transferred over to Ashley and this concerned them greatly. “We never saw it coming” they actually said. She had become lazy and had excuses for not doing what needed to be done. Clinton stated several times during the session that ” the apples don’t fall far from the tree,” and “she is repeating what she observes in us.” “We come home and put our things wherever. Don’t pick up behind ourselves, and we constantly put things off.” They now see how their negative behavior has impacted their daughter. They asked us to assist them in some coping tools in eliminating procrastination and here’s the plan. Maybe it can help in your home. Tools to assist in eliminating procrastination: 1. Recognize that the behavior can’t be corrected until you are ready to implement the action. 2. Set realistic goals, boundaries and timelines to complete all tasks. 3. Set a red flag line and refuse to cross it. No going back to nonproductive habits. 4. Prioritize what needs to be addressed and then have a checklist ready in place in the elimination category of each task accomplished. 5. Pray about your procrastination and ask God to remove the desire to stay in a standstill modality. 6. Be patient during the transition to transformation in one another. Clinton and Rebecca continue to make progress and they hold each family member accountable for their personal space and as a household unit. They continue with weekly couple and family counseling sessions. Over the course of counseling the couple stated their home is organized and more realistic goals have be accomplished for the family. Ashely is now six years old and has become very efficient around the home and keeping up with her belongings. It was suggested by the therapist to make house cleaning and organization fun for Ashley with a small reward of appreciation. She has created her own vision board to maintain her focus. Clinton and Rebecca have taken full responsibility towards appreciating one another, Ashley, and their home. The counseling process has different dimensions and every person’s needs are different. It is our desire as the change agents to assist our families to trust God and work diligently to receive the positive outcomes that they each desire in order to become healthier and happier. Let all things be done decently and in order. 1 Corinthians 14:40 The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
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This article was written by Dr. Kim and Arthur Nowlin for Message Magazine : Drama Files  Ellis and Tamara were married for 33 years when Ellis found out that Tamara had been involved with another man for more than 15 years. It was by the grace of God, modeling His forgiveness and a determined effort to address the past, that they are back together and making a difference in the lives of others.
The couple had one son who died at 14 after a skiing accident. After that awful experience, the marriage never felt the same for either one of them. They attempted counseling but they never allowed the therapeutic process to assist them, so they stopped. At that point, Tamara was looking for something to fill the void of her deceased son and failed marriage. France, Fashion And A Failed Marriage As a fashion consultant Tamara traveled extensively throughout the United States and abroad. While in France on a buying trip, she met a charming, handsome and wealthy businessman to whom she was very attracted. After meeting Charles and beginning the relationship with him, her life felt new and happy again. She purchased another home in another country without Ellis’ knowledge and traveled abroad to be with Charles. As she traveled back and forth to France it became easier and easier to deceive Ellis. She knew Ellis had no reason to doubt that she would ever betray him. After many years in the relationship with Charles she thought it would be better to tell Charles because he did not know she was married. She was afraid, however. “I felt that part of my life was dead and I was afraid he would reject me,” Tamara told us later. “He never knew I was married before. He prided himself with integrity in people. I was a liar and deceiver.” Charles beat her to the punch by asking her to marry him. She was even more unprepared and afraid to tell him the truth then. She decided to leave Ellis and relocate to France with Charles, sweeping her lie under the rug. A few months later she married Charles. Ellis was devastated by her decision to divorce him. He was unclear what was going on but he knew that a third party had entered the picture. He had no idea that the intruder had been a part of his wife’s life for 15 years. Five years later Charles became ill and passed away. Tamara, who had lost complete contact with Ellis felt all alone, helpless and hopeless. Charles left his entire estate to Tamara and she knew how much he loved her and she loved him. She regretted never telling him the truth about her, or that she came to the relationship with a problematic past. Charles always told her whenever she was ready and felt it was necessary to tell him, she would. That time had come and gone. The Practice Of Forgiveness At Work On a fall evening Tamara called Ellis. He had never stopped praying that she would call and finally tell him the truth. He had blamed himself for her leaving. When she asked for his forgiveness, he told her she was always welcome home. He told her he had forgiven her the day she left because if he had not, it would have consumed him and he would have lost his real love, Jesus Christ. The price was too high not to forgive. Tamara cried on the phone and asked him to meet her at the airport and she would explain everything. She told him she would be arriving in two days. She worried about how Ellis would react to the truth. At the airport, the couple smiled and embraced each other. Ellis drove them to a nearby restaurant where after ordering their meal, Tamara told him the entire truth. In shock and in tears, Ellis tried to compose himself but had to excuse himself from the table. When he returned, he asked her if she loved Charles and she said yes. “Why are you here?” Ellis asked. “You are all I have left in the world,” Tamara replied. “No, you have both God and me,” Ellis said. “Thank you for finally easing my pain.” What Now? Tamara realized that Ellis loved her the way his God loved him, with an unconditional love. She had turned her back on God because she placed her own preferences over God’s principles for her life. Tamara begged for God’s forgiveness and once again for Ellis to forgive her. She didn’t know what she would do now with her life. Tamara shared with Ellis of the large estate Charles left her and she wanted to do something with this precious gift. She told Ellis she wanted to start halfway houses for women coming out of prison, teen youth group homes and assist students to attend college. She asked Ellis to help because he was an accountant, held a MBA and she trusted him. He graciously accepted the chance to be a beacon of light to help Tamara without conditions. He felt it was God’s calling. Tamara donated the entire estate to help those in need. She knew her sins against God and Ellis were wrong and she believed that God and Ellis had forgiven her. She wanted to do what she could to help others going through difficulty. Tamara and Ellis started counseling with us sometime ago and attend weekly sessions. Their goal has been to remember and appreciate the memories of their son and how God had blessed them to be reconnected. If Ellis had not been open to God’s plan of forgiveness it would have stood in the way of Tamara’s salvation and forgiving herself. Tamara and Ellis have renewed their vows and she was baptized at Ellis’s church. She truly understands the meaning of serving a second-chance God. “We must remember that God is the source of true love and joy,” said Ellis. “Happiness is something that happens to us, but God’s joy is everlasting, and in time God will ease your pain if you open yourself to be healed.”
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This article was written by Dr. Kim and Arthur Nowlin for Message Magazine : Drama Files  How to bond again after growing apart. Lloyd and Stephanie have been married for two years. They married after knowing each other for only six months–they were caught up in the moment of it all Stephanie admitted. Now, however, Stephanie is very unhappy and has separated from Lloyd. They have a baby whom they both love and adore.
Stephanie called to schedule an appointment to discuss her separation from her husband and the possibility of filing for divorce. She has outgrown her husband and has lost interest in him she said. They never spend time together or share their feelings with one another. She left him behind. That said, she attends counseling without Lloyd to seek peace for herself, and in an effort to be thoughtful rather than impulsively ending her marriage. Tired of feeling frustrated and feeling guilty about leaving with the baby and moving in with her grandmother, she wondered, “Why is it that when men leave their wives it’s accepted, but when wives leave their husbands, it’s as if they have committed a crime?” We shared with her three concepts for accountability:
In some cases when a couple stops sharing their hopes and aspirations with one another, their united dreams fail. They begin thinking as a single unit rather than a collective unit. When one part of the unit stops functioning it impacts the operating mechanism. This is why it’s so important to keep the lines of communication open and to be unified in the growth process so that one individual in the marriage does not outgrow the other. Fortunately, there is hope. As Stephanie continues her individual counseling she finds that she is more open to communicating and even a date night with Lloyd. That’s a start. She is willing. Take time to get to know the person you choose to marry. Be wise and seek premarital counseling. Pray and be aware of the red flags. Be careful of being caught up in the moment because eventually you have to come back down to reality. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
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This article was written by Dr. Kim and Arthur Nowlin for Message Magazine : Drama Files  Social Media Exposed Him But
The Other Woman Took Him Down Timothy and Joan* originally came to counseling regarding Timothy’s infidelity. Her eldest daughter saw pictures of her father with another woman on a friend’s social media page and immediately sent the photos to Joan. Later that day the youngest daughter used Joan’s phone and saw the photos, then the middle daughter also received the photos from her sister. They went down like dominos. Everyone was devastated. Timothy and Joan had a very complicated history. He had been there since she was young because her parents and grand parents were users and distributors of drugs. When they were sentenced to prison, Timothy cared for Joan. Later he served prison time as a young adult and because when she was 16, she had a child with him, Joan stayed in touch during his incarceration. By the time Timothy got out, Joan had been married, divorced and had another child with her first husband. They reconnected and they were married soon after. Though she felt hurt, Joan realized she had to confront Timothy. She would give him one more chance to confess his infidelity and to stop lying to her. “Why do you keep asking me this? I told you I have never cheated on you,” he insisted. “I love you and my girls.” Joan took out her phone and showed him the pictures. Timothy just hung his head and cried. “I’m glad it’s all out in the open,” Timothy said. He told her he met the woman at work and that they were involved for four years. “Remember these words,” Joan said. “This woman you have allowed into our lives is going to someday destroy our lives.” Repair WorkArthur and I worked with the couple through the shame, guilt, lies, betrayal, vows and broken trust in counseling sessions. Regardless of what Timothy did to his family, Joan and their girls attended counseling to work through the question of why this happened. They hoped they could someday learn to forgive Timothy. Though this was a very difficult transition, their desire to remain a family gave us a starting point for their counseling. After a year of intense counseling the family was restored and finally at a stable place in their lives. They returned to weekly attendance at church and praying without ceasing. Timothy followed the counseling recommendations to call and check in with his wife and to be more accountable to their daughters. He attended weekly counseling sessions and maintained healthy boundaries so that Joan could feel secure again. Arthur and I praised God for their success. One day Timothy and Joan were in the office seeing Arthur. When I finished with another couple I went in to say hello. They both looked so awful. They were crying and could barely speak. Timothy had been arrested by the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) for auto theft. The FBI had received an anonymous phone tip from a woman who accused him of stealing and selling auto parts from his job. Investigators caught him in the act of selling the stolen parts through a sting operation. He is now in prison serving time for this crime. Joan remembered her words about the woman who would destroy their family. “Yes, I remember,” Timothy acknowledged. Although no actual proof existed that this “other woman” made the anonymous call, she was the only one who knew about the thefts. In order to maintain two homes and keep both his wife and his girlfriend happy with gifts, trips and money, Timothy resorted to auto theft for the extra “income.” Joan still trusted God even after all Timothy had put her and the family through. She held tight to God’s promise and trusted His word. But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint (Isaiah 40:31). Today, Joan and the girls visit Timothy every month and look forward to his release. Timothy has accepted full responsibility for all his negative choices and the impact they have had upon his family. Joan and Timothy have been through a lot together and they have always been devoted to one other. However, Timothy took that for granted, and Joan realized she had made Timothy her god. God had to open Joan’s eyes to understand that her first love must be Him. She has learned to put her faith in God and to lean not to her own understanding. In all her ways she has acknowledged God and asked Him to direct her path. Timothy has also developed a closer walk with God. He also stated that obedience is far greater than sacrifice (1 Samuel 15:22). We are still committed to support this family during and after Timothy’s release. *The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
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This article was written by Dr. Kim and Arthur Nowlin for Message Magazine : Drama Files  Phillip and Vanessa have been married for twenty-two years and have two small children ages five and seven. When Phillip made the initial contact to schedule a therapy session with Arthur and me, he stated that his marriage has been a constant roller coaster. One minute the marriage was low and the next minute it’s at a a sudden, climatic high.
The couple argues morning, noon and night about petty issues. The relationship has never become physical but Phillip thought that his anger was getting to that level. He said he did not want to be sexual with Vanessa, and wanted to move out of their bedroom and possibly out of the house and petition the court for joint custody. Phillip said he was tired of making up just to break up. Vanessa admitted she pushes his buttons and says negative things to get a reaction from Phillip. Throughout their marriage he has allowed her to humiliate and disrespect him privately and in public. He asked her to stop embarrassing him, especially not in front of his friends several times, however she often wanted to hurt him because he would not communicate with her. To her, the best way to get his attention was to embarrass him with his friends. Negative communication is better than no communication she thought. Vanessa and Phillip worried about their children and how the arguing affected their lives. Their son is acting out in school and fighting with his sister. Their daughter is becoming withdrawn and isolates herself in school away from other students. She also began to stick very closely to Phillip, not wanting her mother to come near him for fear that she would hurt her father. She cries at night and has regressed to sleeping back in the bed with her parents to keep them from arguing. Arthur and I suggested that Phillip and Vanessa begin to take a closer look at the dynamics within their home and how their behavior is affecting their children. We discussed three components to consider. The first component was their family origin, second, their cultural and value system, and third, the roles within the household. They never considered that Vanessa’s mother’s behavior towards her father played a key role in Vanessa’s behavior towards Phillip. She demonstrated the same negative and controlling behavior that she witnessed as a child. Phillip admitted that his value system was harsh and one-sided. He thought that his role being the head of the household meant that he could lead his family without sharing his thoughts or feelings which, in turn, frustrated Vanessa a great deal. She remembered that her father would not greet her mother coming into the house and would ignore her after many attempts of trying to have a positive conversation with him. Vanessa’s frustration grew into bitterness as the scenario became real for her own life. Phillip thought that he was effective as the spiritual leader, but he was not because Vanessa resented his lack of engagement with her over the years. They both are now recognizing how they have transferred their behaviors from their family origin and must figure out how to rebuild their family. Their children have attended some of their therapy sessions and have been very transparent. This has helped Phillip and Vanessa truly see how they were heading down a dark path that could have torn their family apart forever. Most recently Vanessa thanked Phillip for finding help for them and has admitted that she was the destructive spouse. As her husband communicates more, she has become more passive and nurturing towards Phillip and the children. The children have had a good semester in school and they are looking forward to a family vacation together. At the end of the last session their daughter pulled me aside and whispered in my ear and said “ Dr. Kim, I am back in my bedroom and I know my mommy will not hurt my daddy and they love each other again. Thank you and Mr. Arthur so much”. It bought tears to my eyes and I gave her a big hug and told her I would see her soon. The Bible says the race is not given to the swift or the strong but to those who endure to the end (Ecclesiastes 9:11). Arthur and I always say: “there is a light at the end of the tunnel if you can just stop turning off the light.” Even a 30-second break can help a couple push the reset button on a fight, licensed clinical counselor Timothy Warneka says. “Stop, step out of the room, and reconnect when everyone’s a little calmer.”
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 This article was written by Dr. Kim and Arthur Nowlin for Message Magazine : Drama Files
Linda began counseling several months ago to address concerns about her marriage. She had been married for only two years when she noticed that her husband was coming in later and later every night. At first she didn’t say anything, but 11 p.m. turned into 3 a.m., so finally she realized she had to say something one night. He stated he was out helping his classmates from school change a tire. But when he got home this particular morning his shirt was off and there were no sign of oil or dirt on his clothes. She asked him why didn’t he call or even text. He stated “I knew you would be mad so I stayed out to prevent the argument.” She turned to him and said “I must really look stupid to you.” The next morning Linda called my office very upset by her husband’s behavior. She admitted that she started checking the cell phone log to see if he had been calling one particular number. As she suspected, one number kept popping up, a female friend of her husband’s. She told me later that week in her counseling session how ashamed she was for checking the phone logs. I reassured her that there was nothing to be ashamed of, but asked her, “where do you go from here?” Linda still loved her husband and wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and continue to trust God. I told her that I would respect her decision and continue to counsel and support her. Several weeks passed and Linda’s husband continued to come in whenever he felt like it regardless of the anguish it was causing her. She would stay up night after night waiting for him and calling the hospitals to see if he had been in an accident. He continued this same behavior month after month. She prayed and cried out to the Lord and she also continued her therapy sessions weekly. Finally, she asked him to attend therapy with her. Although he was very reluctant, he agreed to come. Arthur and I were both in attendance for the session and Anthony was very polite during our greetings. He said that he wanted his marriage, but that Linda is insecure. Therapy Red Flags “I am tired of all her tears,” he said. “She cries about everything.” Linda tried to stop crying during the session, but it was very difficult. She tried to express herself but her emotions overwhelmed her. After a few minutes helping her to compose herself she turned to him, “ You are making me like this. I don’t even recognize myself in this state of mind.” Anthony got up to walk out but Arthur called him back in. “I don’t need this marriage,” he said. Arthur walked out with him into the outer lobby and convinced him to come back and rejoin the counseling session. After two hours of processing Linda and Anthony’s problems we suggested that Anthony consider Linda’s feelings and try to come home at a decent time. He turned to her and said “no one controls me and I will come home when I feel like it. I raised myself and I had no rules as a child. So I will not change for you or anyone”. Big red flag for Arthur and me. Anthony’s family of origin used little authority during his upbringing, and offered no positive influence during his adult life either. Therefore, he rebelled against Linda asking him to be a good and respectful husband. Arthur and I reiterated that to stay married it would take sacrifice on both parts. Before the session ended the couple agreed to work on their marriage. They left the office feeling empowered to work together and respect one another. Testing Time Later on during the month Linda attended a wedding out of town that Anthony was unable to attend. She had stopped checking the phone logs and he was coming home by 11:00 p.m., so she thought her marriage was moving in a positive direction. She told me during the session she was worried about leaving Anthony alone, but she had made this commitment and she was going to keep it. She had spoken to Anthony a few times while she was away and everything appeared normal. Linda said she relaxed and had a very nice time visiting family and friends. Upon her return she called Anthony to pick her up from the airport, and he said stated he could not come because he was busy, but would see her later at home. Linda was so amazed at his tone and response that she knew he had reverted back to his old ways in such a short time. Or, had he ever really changed? She had to then find another way home and this was very unsettling for her. While on her way home she checked the phone log and Anthony was on the phone for hours at a time with the female friend, even while Linda was at the airport. She became so hurt and angry. An hour later when he walked through the door he didn’t try to kiss or embrace her. Linda didn’t say anything because she didn’t want to argue. The evening ended quietly but she knew Anthony was not being honest. The next day she went to work but she came home early because she was so upset. As she entered the house she noticed that the house had been cleaned and certain photos of her had been turned over. Realizing that in their two years together Anthony had never cleaned the house or changed the sheets on the bed, she asked her neighbor if she had noticed anything out of the ordinary. The neighbor stated that she noticed a women getting out of a car and going inside her home, but she thought that Linda was inside. The description of the woman matched her husband’s “friend” exactly. When Anthony received Linda’s letter informing him that he had 30 days to get out of the house, it was he who could not reach her by phone. “It is interesting how he can call and text now that I am putting him out, but for the past five months he couldn’t call or text if he was going to be late,” Linda said. How To Pray Through And Stay True Linda never had any evidence that Anthony was unfaithful but she knew within her heart he had been. She reflected upon the many scriptures I had given to her during counseling and one of her favorites was 2 Chronicles 20:15 (For the battle is not yours, but God’s). She committed herself back to God, His Holy Word, and she started attending church. She made a decision to be baptized. Linda realized that she made Anthony her God, and she worshiped him. She was so consumed with Anthony’s actions that she lost her own reasoning, voice, and joy. Though she is still waiting and trusting God to turn her marriage around, she realized that she has to allow God to deal with Anthony. One thing for sure about Linda now, she can say “either we grow, or you go.” She has learned to apply those words to herself and stop standing in her own way. She is no longer fighting severe depression or acute stress disorder. She has become a stronger woman in Christ and is taking more control over her emotions and impulses. Anthony continues to come home late, and continues talking to and spending time with the other woman. It is important to recognize, as Linda did after several months of clinical therapy, that she cannot have a healthy marriage without a willing partner. Every marriage takes complete sacrifice and respect which empowers love. True love begins with God, and you loving yourself. Linda loved Anthony more than God or herself. Marriage is a team effort and there is no getting around it. It takes three to make a marriage work. God, you and me. “Though one may overpowered two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not easily broken” (Ecclesiasties 4:12). The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
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 This article was written by Dr. Kim and Arthur Nowlin for Message Magazine : Drama Files Peter and Joan’s anger often echoed throughout their small bungalow. Insults and name-calling were the normal mode of communication. The anger was not only affecting the relationship between them, but their two small children were unable to participate at school without demonstrating the same behavior!
Early in their marriage, Peter and Joan’s relationship was good and they resolved their disagreements in a more sensitive manner. Somewhere, something broke! It appeared to start out as a minor incident but was soon picking up steam. Their sensitivity to each other was changing. Peter considered himself a fairly clean and organized person and he became bothered by Joan’s apparent lack of house-keeping skills and the amount of clutter around the house. He felt he was not receiving assistance from Joan and was always asking for her help to keep the home clean. Joan, on the other hand, was more focused on their day-care business and had a difficult time coming home to clean and cook for the family. Plus, as far as the house was concerned, Joan thought that the children should be able to play in the house after school. Peter also had a hard time with the fact that Joan allowed her cat and their youngest child to sleep in their bed every night! He was allergic to cats. Peter had mood swings because of the on-again off-again relationship in the home. He thought he lacked the support from his wife within the household and felt the issues had become a problem. After all, he thought, all things should be done decently and in order. And in Proverbs 31:27 the Bible states that “[s]he looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.” When to see it coming One of the major areas of dating before marriage is to discuss how two personalities could come together and create a household. Peter and Joan were willing to spend time with each other during the courtship so they tolerated the little red flags of concerns. For example, Peter had convinced himself that he would accept Joan’s cat and just take medication to live in the same environment with the cat. Peter’s plan did not work because as the union between Peter and Joan weakened, so did Peter’s desire to consume medication to adjust to the cat. Another example was housekeeping and responsibilities. Joan was not raised in a environment where that was a major concern. Her parents where not neat, and they did not create an argumentative household simply because of the clutter. Peter, however, was OCD–he had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Peter needed to have everything in their place and would become stressed if the dishes were not washed or the bathroom was in disarray. Joan felt she could adjust to Peter and he could adjust to her. The marriage was set up for a conflagration. Failure to express sincere concerns of living together caused enough issues that simulated a volcanic explosion later on. This far in the marriage, Peter and Joan allowed their anger to prevent them from moving towards reconciliation. They forgot fundamental principals to enhance their marriage. The simplicity of praying together on a regular basis was an essential endeavor that had been lost. Reviving that prayer habit was a primary step towards healing Peter and Joan’s relationship. Increasing their prayer life has and will continue to assist them transition from the negative to positive interaction. The couple allowed anger to be a barrier causing the erosion of their union. The Bible’s prescription in Romans 12:21 is a helpful fence-mender: “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” Peter realized that he wanted to improve his relationship with his wife and he needed to change his feelings by demonstrating humility, and he truly wanted change. Being determined to focus on the areas that are broken such as communication, sensitivity and intimacy requires a strategic plan for healing. Recognizing and praying for God to intervene in these areas is crucial. Peter and Joan are progressing because of their willingness to keep their family together. They are attending prayer meeting and bible study together and have progressed in how they communicate with each other. Joan is even willing to keep the cat out of the bed. The couple is currently in counseling and their names have been changed to protect confidentiality. Remember there is always a solution to change behaviors.
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 Although they see and counsel family, individuals and couples, when Dr. Kim Logan-Nowlin came across the compelling testimony posted by Monica Ware on Facebook, she was moved to tears. In that posting, Ware detailed the way God led her husband to come home and reclaim their family. We excerpt a large part of her story here. Click here to read the whole story. Dr. Logan-Nowlin’s questions for Monica Ware follow the story.
Monica and Nate Ware’s story: My husband was serving in the United States Army in Germany, while I was living in Florida with my mother. My stay in Florida was a direct result of a failed attempt to save my marriage while we lived in Germany, but it didn’t work, so I gladly welcomed our separation and pending divorce. We both decided to move on with our lives. I worked a third shift cashier job, while my mother baby sat my boys at night. I knew it was going to be hard, but my children and my relationship with God were my main focus. My husband resisted God because he wanted to live his life without me, but he knew that God told him years ago that, “Everything you need in a wife is in Monica!” Nate still resisted God because he wasn’t sure if he wanted to get back together with me, so he said this to God: “When I go to church tomorrow, I want someone to personally tell me what you told me; to go get my family.” Nate arrived at church that Sunday morning for Sunday school and the teacher told him, “God is going to bless you!” Nate told God, “No, that’s not it!” That wasn’t the exact words he was looking for. So he went to the church service and during the service he went up for prayer. While he was in line for prayer, Bishop John A. Neal stood up from the pulpit, walked over to Nate and told him he always had his wife with him at every duty station and the Bishop’s exact words to my husband were, “You need to go get your family!” That was the exact confirmation my husband needed to get his family back. The next day, Nate called me and asked if we could give our marriage another chance. … When we arrived at church [in Germany several weeks later] and walked through the doors, Bishop Neal stopped the service during praise and worship. He stood up in front of the church, pointed to my husband and said, “That man went and got his family!” The church began to praise God with dancing and shouting. People were dancing in the aisles praising God! Then Bishop Neal called our family up to the front of the church and did something I never saw coming. He asked every man that has a family to stand up. Once they stood up, he asked each man to take out their checkbooks and write us a check! In an instant, we went from not knowing where we were going to stay, with very little money, to having our needs met. Men were putting money in our hands, some throwing money at our feet, even women; some single mothers were giving us money. I was in tears! God met our needs financially that day. What are you doing now? Ware: Today, my husband and I are happily marriage with three amazing sons. We’re working on new books and products to share our story, with keys to having a successful marriage after infidelity. We also have invitations to speak at marriage conferences and other events as a result of our story. What prompted you to post the story? Ware: I posted the story in 2013, in celebration of our 25th wedding anniversary. I never told the story publicly, so I wanted to share for the first time, in hopes that it will encourage someone else to fight for their marriage. You said your story went viral–how many hits/likes/share/comments did you have? Ware: To date, the post has 15,069 shares and counting. People are still sharing on a daily basis. It was posted to my personal page, but somehow circulated to other pages I can’t reach because I’m not friends with most of them on Facebook, but I can see their comments. I received hundreds of messages from people all over the world sharing how our story touched their lives. Why do you think your story pulled the heartstrings of so many? Ware: I believe it touched so many lives because people are going through the same situation now. I’ve received so many messages from all over the world, from Africa, Dubai, to the Islands, men and women are hurting in their marriages. Our story brought life to some, comfort to others and faith to trust God even more in their situation. What is your advice for others? Ware: Trust God completely. God responds to His Word and He responds to faith. They both go hand-in-hand concerning your marriage. Stand on God’s word concerning your marriage and use your faith to believe your prayers will manifest. Your faith may not be in your spouse, but your faith in God will help you develop a more loving, forgiving and trusting marriage. Do you have certain insights into the causes of discord that you didn’t have then? Ware: No, I knew back then what the causes of our discord were. The infidelity created distrust [and] that seemed irreparable. What was the key, the aha moment in your counseling sessions? Ware: My aha moment was from a book a friend suggested I read by Bunny Wilson. I recall the author saying if I didn’t trust my spouse’s judgement to put my complete trust in God. Even if I didn’t trust in my husband, or if he made a bad decision, I could believe God to help us through those choices. That helped me because I wasn’t sure if I made the right choice going back to my husband, but I put my hope and trust in God to help me through my choice to reconcile. I had to learn how to trust my husband again, but my trust in God always remained. |
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