AuthorsBy Dr. Kim Logan-Nowlin & Arthur E. Nowlin, LMSW, CAADC Archives
August 2020
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This article was written by Dr. Kim and Arthur Nowlin for Message Magazine : Drama Files A secret is something that is kept or meant to be kept unknown or unseen by others. Margret Atwood the author of The Blind Assassin stated “the best way of keeping a secret is to pretend there isn’t one.” In our therapy sessions with couples we often hear a sense of distrust and recognize chronic poor communication between the two. Bruce and Mary encountered problems during their marriage that created the inability to feel comfortable sharing feelings and being open. The couple had been married for 17 years and have three children ages 9, 12, and 14. Bruce was an administrator for an area high school and Mary was a respected supervisor for an insurance company. Bruce was concerned about past problems that had threatened the marriage but because of his commitment to family, he stayed. However, he attributed his high blood pressure and other health issues to secrets within the marriage. Bruce said that his wife had no remorse for having an affair earlier in their marriage and he suspected she was involved with someone currently. After seeing a text message from Mary’s cell phone, his suspicion was verified. The couple decided to search for marriage counseling. During our initial session Mary insisted that she only talked to the men and had not violated their marriage vows. Our session was intense with accusations of lying and infidelity flying. “I want to keep my family together” insisted Bruce, “but I want my wife to be honest and willing to change.” Adding fuel to the fire, during the reconciliation process, Mary left the home for one day. She returned during the evening, but Bruce did not know she went to a hotel and paid for the room with a credit card until the bill came, three weeks later. Mary said she needed some time because she was stressed and she went to a hotel to rest for a few hours alone. Bruce did not believe she was in the hotel alone. Bruce wanted healing but Mary could not change the behavior of keeping secrets within the marriage. George Orwell the political writer stated “If you wanted to keep a secret you must hide it from yourself”. Mary was certainly hiding from even herself. Even during her efforts to be honest and open she could not share her secrets. She was living a double life. She wanted to be married but she also wanted other relationships. Eventually Mary’s secret life was exposed. She had an ongoing relationship with her son’s football coach, who also was a friend to Bruce. Once again, the evidence was found on Mary’s cell phone where she had recorded nude pictures and text messages that were explicit and devastating to her husband and children. Bruce asked Mary to leave the home and he contacted the wives of the coach and another man who also had a relationship with Mary. The secrets destroyed Mary’s family as well as the families of the other men who had shared a secret with Mary. Bruce has started proceedings for divorce. We must realize that secrets are like a vine growing around a post. The vine grows to the top and then it winds down again, back to its beginning.
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This article was written by Dr. Kim and Arthur Nowlin for Message Magazine : Drama Files
There May Be Steps You Can Still Take Marvin and Tina Essex first came to us for counseling in 2012. They have four children and live in a rural area of Michigan. He is employed at a local furniture store and she is a social worker for the State of Michigan. They have been married 17 years. The couple came to counseling because they had stopped being intimate with one another and started sleeping in separate bedrooms two years ago before that because Tina felt her husband was being unfaithful. She had become distant and wanted out of her marriage. Marvin suggested counseling and mediation to assist them in trying to reconcile their marriage. He had never been unfaithful, Marvin insisted. He thought Tina was just looking for a way out of their marriage. Tina, however, said Marvin used pornography as a means of stimulation, that she found his magazines and caught him on the computer on several pornography sites. This has added to her mistrust and anger towards him. She constantly revisits the lack of trust in their relationship and her husband admitted that he has lied and had been using pornography, but never has been with another woman. There was an all too common backstory to the very real and very now problems facing this couple. What Tina didn’t know is that Marvin was introduced to pornography by his uncle when he was only six years old and he was taught that a real man always did these kind of things. He didn’t know how to stop and he cried out for help many times but nothing ever changed. He broke down during the session and cried and said to his wife “ Tina you thought I was always unfaithful, but in a sad twisted way I was.” Tina responded by holding him during the session and she asked why he didn’t tell her about the problem.“I was so ashamed and didn’t know how to stop or ask for help. I know I have been wrong, but please Tina stay with me and let’s work through this.” Since the truth about his introduction into pornography by his uncle came out, the couple has reconciled and Marvin has moved back into their bedroom. Tina is more sensitive to his past and wants to be a support to him and apologizes for her mistrust regarding another female in Marvin’s life. Today, the Essexes have decided to continue their counseling and Marvin has not visited any pornography sites, or purchased magazines in over a year. Tina is working on letting her guard down and once again learning how to enjoy the benefits of her marriage. Marvin is also taking a personal interest in what Tina needs and being a good father to their three children. Marvin continues to be grateful for the counseling offered to he and his wife and realizes the treasures he has in his family and how he almost lost them all. It is important to understand when considering divorce that you exhaust every option available. Many couples have lost their interest in their ability to be loving and compassionate towards one another. However, it is never too late to continue trying! When you want out, consider the last-moment understanding that helped the Essexes:
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This article was written by Dr. Kim and Arthur Nowlin for Message Magazine : Drama Files
Calvin and Rose Herring* came to us with some concerns within their relationship. Both individuals are 45 and live in an exclusive community near Detroit, Michigan. Rose teaches school and Calvin is an attorney. After 20 years of marriage and three children, there has been one lingering issue: Calvin’s friendship with another woman. Calvin knew the woman, “Tracie,” before he and Rose even met. We learned he lived with her and her parents upon moving to New York years earlier. His wife was overreacting, he said, adding that he did not see anything wrong with maintaining their friendship. As far as he was concerned, the friendship never crossed the line and he had a close relationship with her and her family. “I’m tired of not being trusted,” he said. Rose’s suspicions meant that he was constantly having to look over his shoulder, even though he was doing nothing wrong. According to Rose, the ongoing contact and communication with this friend exceeded a “friendly relationship.” Rose thought that Tracie got more respect than she did as the wife. Further, Rose added, if she could just get a little more respect from Calvin, she could feel differently about the friendship. When we asked Rose how she knew about there was excessive communication between Calvin and Tracie, she said the phone bill reflected excessive calls from Calvin to his female friend. Still, he insisted that he never “crossed the line.” It is clear that having an outside relationship with a person of the opposite sex can cause major concerns within a marriage, notes Debbie Cherry, Ph.D, in a Psychology Today article. But “the line” may not be where we think it is. When friends share information about themselves and their spouses with others, that relationship threatens the stability of the marriage. Instances of deceit and temptation increase while the husband or wife becomes more disconnected within their marriage relationship. When the deception begins the line has been crossed and it becomes difficult to stop the destruction of the family. On that slippery slope is where we met the Herrings. Our thoughts: eliminate the problem. If your spouse is uncomfortable with a relationship outside of the marriage, eliminate that relationship or have a meeting and discuss the concerns with the parties involved. On an even deeper level, when resolving relationship issues we have learned to investigate the origin of the problem. In this case, the question is why is it more comfortable to share feelings with someone other than your own spouse? In many households we let anger and frustration prevent resolutions. Relationships that start at work, school, and when pursuing outside interests such as working out at the gym. They should be kept in perspective and never to the point of disrupting the household. Once that issue has been addressed and all parties are satisfied with the solution, then the issue becomes forgiveness and the ability to move on. The couple has indicated there has been anger and resentment because of outside friends. During the session Rose also indicated that she established a relationship with an outside friend from her past because she felt disrespected and disconnected to her husband. The marriage was in a weak state but the confession of both has opened the door to recovery. Today after six months of counseling they are communicating better and Calvin realized that the comment that Arthur stated in the onset of counseling was character changing for him: “anything that causes the household turmoil needs to be re-evaluated and eliminated.” Calvin took that statement to heart and realized that Rose was right and that he had become too comfortable in his relationship. He now spends more time in the home and has taken our suggestions as their therapists to incorporate a date night. The Herrings will continue their counseling and appreciate the help, and support from us. *Yes, the names have been changed.
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Kim Logan- Nowlin, Ph.D., LPC, BCPC, MFT, ACAC, IAMFC President/ CEO Clinical Director Out Patient Programs Does stress affect the ability to make sound decisions? In most cases stress does affect a person ability to make sound and rational decisions. we must be careful when we are in a stressful situation to allow ourselves the ability to regroup and make a paradigm shift so that we can have healthy and positive outcomes. We do not want to make emotional decision but logical positive decisions. because the decision you make not only impacts you but it will impacts others as well. Remember the Domino Effect or chain reaction is the cumulative effect produced when one event sets off a chain of similar events. When feeling overwhelmed, what are some resolutions to help alleviate stress at home? 1. Identify the source of the stress and seek help 2. Avoid stressful situations and people. 3. Recognize your triggers 4. Take a personal. Inventory of your progress or lack of progress 5. Express your feelings, hurt or anger in a positive and productive manner 6. Be proactive 7. Eat a well balanced meal and drink lots of water 8. Incorporate exercise in your daily routine 9. Laughter is medicine for the soul 10. Prayer empowers you spiritually. What is some advice that you have for women that are always on the go and want to slow down, but aren’t really sure how? As women we must allow balance within our lives. We are pulled in so many different directions and wear many hats. We have to learn how to prioritize and allow time for relaxation and healing. We have to make a plan and stick to that plan so that you can develop healthy patterns in our lives. We must eliminate old patterns that cause us stress such as the way we communicate, eat, rest, and balance. Set serious boundaries and a safe zone for you. You deserve it so now do it. When it comes to dating, what causes attraction to the “wrong partner” There are times in our lives when we may feel our "baggage" is valuable- the things we feel to be essential. Some of the things we consider significant or necessary may need to be reassessed. In some situation our family origins plays a major role in the type of partner we select. For example: Is verbal abuse something I need to to re-evaluate and eliminate from my relationship? Just because my parents communicated that way do I need to? You may need to self evaluate the issues in your life that can become negative "baggage". Once married how you maintain your own identity? The rejuvenation of the mind, body, and spirit ensures us that our relationship with God is a continual reminder of the sense of well being, joy and peace we brought into the marriage and must be maintained. Be open to change for yourself as well as your spouse. be an active participant in the positive changes in your life. Embrace who you are becoming. Have a positive attitude towards your life and be willing to address negative issues that may prevent you from excelling. Be sensitive to your needs and your expectations. Continue to be heard, seen and understood. How can one identify when the level of stress has gone from normal to a level that requires professional attention. (In other words when should a person seek help) If the problems you are experiences is causing distress in your life. You must be able to move yourself out of the way and implement objectivity. If you are feeling anxious and overwhelmed and you no longer can handle the day to day activities in your life, when your own copping skills are no longer affective and working to assist you, and you have thoughts of abusing yourself or others to help to alleviate your symptoms it is time to seek help. Also, when someone has noticed a change in your behavior and your temperament has changed for the worse, and you are engaging in gambling, negative internet activities, and constantly checking your social media pages to avoid addressing your problems, and if your anxiety, depression, mania or whatever is causing you to function poorly in one of these environments, for weeks on end, that is a sure sign it is time to seek out help. Kim Logan- Nowlin, Ph.D., LPC, BCPC, MFT, ACAC, IAMFC President/ CEO Clinical Director Out Patient Programs
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By Arthur Nowlin & Dr. Kim Logan-Nowlin
1. Be open and honest with one another. 2. Learn how to establish positive communication. 3. Measure progress or lack of progress in the relationship. 4. Spend quality time together. 5. When you make a mistake acknowledge the error. 6. Don't allow outside relationships to interfere. 7. Discuss all important issues within the relationship. 8. Be determined to maintain a prayerful relationship. 9. Enjoy one another. 10. Choose activities that will help empower your relationship. Visit our website : dr.kiminspires.com
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Comfortable Silence2/20/2015 By Dr. Kim Logan-Nowlin
I was in the middle of a counseling session and my patient said to me sometimes I just need "Comfortable Silence". "When I come home and there is noise and when I am at work there is noise". So what I thought to myself is this what we all are searching for in our lives? That special moment of peace and quiet and being able to get away from it all in your own unique way. So I decided to present this question of thought to my readers. What does comfortable silence mean to you? Now don't laugh, take a minute and think about it. When was the last time you took that moments for your self, drove your car without any conversation or music playing and took a deep breath and said " Comfortable Silence" this feels good ? I could get use to this once or twice a week. Now the comfortable silence is to be an asset to you and not a deficit to others. It's important to incorporate your comfortable balance as you recognize your personal needs for yourself. Comfortable silence with regards to your using it to your advantage to reflect but to use that reflection to make you go within yourself and find inner peace. You are the only one that can define that inner silence and peace but it can be influenced by your purpose. I would like to share some tips to develop your "Comfortable Silence". Set clear precise boundaries and use respect towards others. Select time frames for your comfortable silence. Don't be afraid to ask family members for time to have Comfortable Silence. Don't allow anyone or anything to intrude on your comfortable silence. When you have taken some time to regroup allow yourself the opportunity to use this Comfortable Silence as an asset to help others as well as yourself. Empower yourself to become a serious and reliable resource to impact your family and community at large. Life is short but it gets shorter without having a little "Comfortable Silence" by Dr. Kim Dr. Kim Inspires you to Aspire.
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Why can’t they be still2/12/2014 By Arthur E. Nowlin, LMSW, CAADC & Dr. Kim Logan-Nowlin
The teacher was concern about the young boy who could never be still during the class session. The constant movement and agitation of the other students became disruptive and irritating to the teacher and other students. During the course of the day it became very difficult to encourage the young boy to focus and complete assignments. During individual attention it became obvious that there existed difficulty in the ability to engage with his teacher. As the teacher persisted in her attempts to find a better method in reaching the young boy, her frustrations increased. Eventually a meeting with the parent was held and a decision needed to be made to seek help. The child was exhibiting symptoms of ADHD. What is ADHD? ADHD is a common behavioral disorder affecting an estimated 8% to !0% of school age children. Boys are three times more likely to be diagnosed with it more than girls. In observing the behavior of a child who is demonstrating, poor attention span and hyperactivity during school and other social environments, finding treatment is essential. Suggestions to contact a physician and have the child examined was one of the options as well as scheduling the child for an Individual Educational Program or IEP. The IEP would offer the parent assistance in obtaining special attention to help their child achieve. A team of educators and professionals will determine the best possible solution to improve the quality of learning for the student. In many IEP’s there are suggestions to have the child schedule an appointment to see a physician to diagnose the problem and determine if medication is needed to assist the child in maintaining focus. Once a doctor or psychiatrist has suggested medication for a child with ADHD it is important to find the medication with the least side effects. Not all children will have side effects from medication but the parent and teacher should observe the child and document improvement or lack of improvement in the child’s behavior. Our children should have every opportunity to obtain help during the critical years of their development. The percentage of parents reporting ADHD diagnosis has increased by 22% from 2003 to 2007 and the percentage continues to rise. Even more alarming is the fact that ADHD is a lifelong behavior disorder. Many adults are having issues regarding ADHD but the symptoms may not be as pronounced as it was during their childhood. The symptoms can change and the adult can develop coping mechanism. ADHD has been linked to adults who have alcohol and marijuana problems and particularly people who have other psychological disorders such as obsessive compulsive disorder. If you suspect your child to have ADHD disorder seek help and have the child evaluated. Provide proper support to improve the behavioral concerns in the school and in the home. Arthur E.. Nowlin, LMSW, CAADC & Kim Logan Nowlin, Ph.D. LPC, BCCPC, MFT are a husband and wife counseling team and owners of the Kim Logan Communications Christian Family Counseling Clinic in Detroit, Mi. www.kimnow.com, www.familylifelrc.com, drkimklc@gmail.com, aenowlin@yahoo.com. www.Psychology Today.com
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The fear is too much2/12/2014 By Arthur Nowlin LMSW, CAADC & Dr. Kim Logan-Nowlin
A young woman came into our office recently and expressed feelings regarding her inability to progress in her life. She stated that she felt as if she has been missing opportunities to take advantage of being successful. In many situations she stated that she would make preparations to complete important task but something prevented her from following through with completion. The young lady recognized that her behavior was becoming more and more uncomfortable around her friends. As she was driving recently she pulled over on the side of the road because she felt nervous with the traffic on the highway. Also, this lady is having problems with her employment because her position requires her to engage with the public. She is becoming fearful and unable to feel comfortable. Now she is experiencing increase anxiety and fear in every aspect of her life. Her issues of anxiety and fear continues to prevent her from a successful life style. Most people begin feeling overwhelmed and unable to control the rapid breathing and increase in heart beat so they believe they are having a heart attack. Their thoughts are causing difficulty in their decision making and they become unable to associate outside of their own homes. In many situations the person has difficulty walking in their neighborhoods. When someone has determined that they are experiencing anxiety and fear they should search for help. Some of the treatment possibilities begin with changing your routine, which is taking a risk for improving behavior. Before consideration of medication, you can try a few steps to help address your fear. First, when feeling overwhelm and fearful, take a time out. It is better to find something to do such as sitting down in your favorite chair sipping on a soothing beverage. Also consider taking a hot shower or bath to help you relax. Second, don’t allow mistakes to make you uncomfortable. No one is perfect and it is ok if you need to make better decisions. Third, visualize a peaceful place and imagine being where you will not have to worry about unhealthy thoughts and allow yourself to put things into perspective. Fourth, face your anxiety and fear. Don’t try to disallow your feelings but, recognize those feelings and begin your strategy to avoid a crisis. Fifth, talk to someone about your feelings and try to understand what is happening to you and how to develop positive coping skills. According to Medicine Net, anxiety is a common thing in the U.S. and more than 60 million people will suffer from anxiety at a certain point of their lives and more than 3 million people will have panic disorders in the course of their lifetime. Over 4 million people experience general anxiety each year. Panic attacks begin in the teenage years of 15 through 19. Talking to a therapist can help you address anxiety and fear and allow you to improve your quality of life. Take the risk and change the behavior. Arthur E. Nowlin LMSW,CAACD, serves as the Deputy Director of Kim Logan Communications Christian Family Counseling Clinic and Kim Logan-Nowlin, Ph.D., LPC, BCPC, MFT, is the President/ CEO of Kim Logan Communications. 313-898-8200 drkimklc@gmail.com, www.kimnow.com or www.familylifelrc.com Visit us also on Psychology Today. |